The Trilogy of Insanity


I call a customer back regarding a voicemail he left inquiring about why we are no longer guaranteeing that a specific product is gluten-free.

Me: Hi, may I speak with Customer, this is Dunyasha from My Company.

Customer: Oh hi, thanks for calling me back. Actually, I've been reading online and I see that the reasoning for why the product isn't on the list is because of flavoring which contains foodproduct, I understand now.

Me: No, sir, that is not actually accurate information and I'm not sure where you are reading that, but it did not come from My Company.

Customer: Well, someone at your company released it. I read it from reliable sources.

Me: Well perhaps you shouldn't trust those sources so much because that is not legitimate information.

Customer: No, I am telling you that it came from a reliable source.

Me: Well I would consider our company, being the people put this product on the market to be the most reliable source and I am telling you that us just not legitimate.

Customer: That's okay, I know what the truth is. Thansk for calling me back, bye.

I hope he has fun playing with his health.


Me: Hi, thanks for calling Consumer Relations, this is Dunyasha.

Customer: Hi, I am on a conference call right now on my other line and I am VERY angry. (we go through logging her & the store's info) I bought a salad and when I got back to work I realized that under the top layer the lettuce is browned, so I called the store and told them to bring me a new one because I can't leave for several hours because of conference calls and they *she huffs*, they told me they were BUSY. 20 minutes later I called them again and said "hi. it's me. still no salad." *she huffs again* And they told me they were very busy again! I am having a bad day, and I am starving! They could walk here! It's right next door!

Me: Well, ma'am just so you understand our stores do not deliver food, if the store emlpoyees are willing to do so for you that is very nice of them, but we as a policy do not deliver food to our customers.

Customer: I'm not asking them to deliver!! I'm telling them to correct their mistake!

Me: Ma'am you are asking the employee to leave the store to bring you food, therefore you are asking them to deliver food to you, and again this is something as a policy we do not do.

Customer: BUT I'M HUNGRY!!!

Me: Well, I understand that, I am just trying to help you understand why the store would react in the way you are describing.

Customer: NO. I don't think you understand. I am pissed off. I am hungry. And I don't have to deal with this shit!


CoWorker: Hi thanks for calling Consumer Relations, this is CoWorker.

Customer: I don't want to pay for this. Call me back at this number 123-456-7890. *click*

When she called him back she found he was upset because he had to pay 30 cents for cheese that he didn't want because it was considered part of the hamburger and he wanted to speak with a manager who could explain why to him THAT INSTANT. When she explained that would not be possible he responded by screaming UNACCEPTABLE at her. The whole time he was pon the phone with her he was creaming at her on speaker phone and refused to get off her line until she connected him to someone who could explain this to him, (not possible since our office doesn't set pricing and he only had one line to take phone calls on.) His response to every suggestion she had was, UNACCEPTABLE. She spent the better part of an hour on the phone with him without losing her cool - I think she deserves a medal. OH, and the only personal info he would give her? His phone number and his name - Angry Customer.


Just Another Manic Monday

Me: Consumer Relations, this is *Dunyasha.

Caller: Hi, I need to speak with someone about customer relations.

Me: That would be me, what's the problem?

Caller: Are you who I would speak with about a customer issue?

Me: Yes, I'm the person who you would speak to about that.

Caller: And what department is this?


Caller: Oh good, my son in law works for one of your stores and he's being treated poorly by the manager.

Me: Ma'am since this is a employee issue I'll need to transfer you.

Caller: No, no, no. He quit last week, this is a customer issue.

Me: No, ma'am, because your son in law was an employee, that would be an employee issue, hold on just a moment.

Caller: but...


An Open Letter to Anonymous Customer

To the anonymous gentleman who called this afternoon regarding one of our new products,
I listened to you and offered you information, I was kind, empathetic and sincere towards you and apologized that you were disappointed in what you received. I told you this is a new item and that the people who are responsible for that item will be highly interested in your feedback (which is true). You did not want to give me you name or your address and yet you still had the audacity to say loudly and clearly "Well that did no good, she didn't even care." BEFORE you hung up your phone. If you're going to insult me, please do so after you disconnect your phone, or during the conversation so that I may have a chance to respond.

And for the record, I had already emailed the person who handles that item by the time you made that comment. Asshole.



It's the Store 2 Miles South of the Old Barn that Burned Down 6 years ago

Frequently we receive calls from people who had serious issues with stores or left something in one of our stores, but cannot tell us which store it is. These calls go something like this call I took today.

Me: And what city and state is the store in, sir?

Caller: It's in California on Road 8.

Me: Sir, I will need to know what city in California the store is in or the zip code.

Caller: It's not in a city. It's on Road 8!

Me: (rolling eyes) Sir, I would very much like to help you, but in order to do so, I need to know who I will need to contact and the only way for me to find that out is to know which store you visited.

Caller: Okay, it was on Road 8 off I-5.

Me: You did already tell me that, sir, can you tell me what city the store is in?

Caller: It's not in a city!! It's an off ramp!

Me: Sir, like I said I would really like to help you, but I'm not sure how right now.

FInally after going through this a few more times the caller gave me a couple cities the store was in between and allowed me to put him on hold so I could search my atlas. Amazingly, I was actually able to find the city this time.