A step in the right direction

A month ago I began a new job with the company who laid me off back in October. While this means wonderful things for me (such as being able to afford a gallon of milk), it also means I am no longer dealing with the public in the same way, so I have far fewer complaints about people. I'm sure from time to time I may take issue with some things, expecially as I am still in retail, where the holiday season lasts from Oct-Jan.

Until then you can find me at my other blog.


The Trilogy of Insanity


I call a customer back regarding a voicemail he left inquiring about why we are no longer guaranteeing that a specific product is gluten-free.

Me: Hi, may I speak with Customer, this is Dunyasha from My Company.

Customer: Oh hi, thanks for calling me back. Actually, I've been reading online and I see that the reasoning for why the product isn't on the list is because of flavoring which contains foodproduct, I understand now.

Me: No, sir, that is not actually accurate information and I'm not sure where you are reading that, but it did not come from My Company.

Customer: Well, someone at your company released it. I read it from reliable sources.

Me: Well perhaps you shouldn't trust those sources so much because that is not legitimate information.

Customer: No, I am telling you that it came from a reliable source.

Me: Well I would consider our company, being the people put this product on the market to be the most reliable source and I am telling you that us just not legitimate.

Customer: That's okay, I know what the truth is. Thansk for calling me back, bye.

I hope he has fun playing with his health.


Me: Hi, thanks for calling Consumer Relations, this is Dunyasha.

Customer: Hi, I am on a conference call right now on my other line and I am VERY angry. (we go through logging her & the store's info) I bought a salad and when I got back to work I realized that under the top layer the lettuce is browned, so I called the store and told them to bring me a new one because I can't leave for several hours because of conference calls and they *she huffs*, they told me they were BUSY. 20 minutes later I called them again and said "hi. it's me. still no salad." *she huffs again* And they told me they were very busy again! I am having a bad day, and I am starving! They could walk here! It's right next door!

Me: Well, ma'am just so you understand our stores do not deliver food, if the store emlpoyees are willing to do so for you that is very nice of them, but we as a policy do not deliver food to our customers.

Customer: I'm not asking them to deliver!! I'm telling them to correct their mistake!

Me: Ma'am you are asking the employee to leave the store to bring you food, therefore you are asking them to deliver food to you, and again this is something as a policy we do not do.

Customer: BUT I'M HUNGRY!!!

Me: Well, I understand that, I am just trying to help you understand why the store would react in the way you are describing.

Customer: NO. I don't think you understand. I am pissed off. I am hungry. And I don't have to deal with this shit!


CoWorker: Hi thanks for calling Consumer Relations, this is CoWorker.

Customer: I don't want to pay for this. Call me back at this number 123-456-7890. *click*

When she called him back she found he was upset because he had to pay 30 cents for cheese that he didn't want because it was considered part of the hamburger and he wanted to speak with a manager who could explain why to him THAT INSTANT. When she explained that would not be possible he responded by screaming UNACCEPTABLE at her. The whole time he was pon the phone with her he was creaming at her on speaker phone and refused to get off her line until she connected him to someone who could explain this to him, (not possible since our office doesn't set pricing and he only had one line to take phone calls on.) His response to every suggestion she had was, UNACCEPTABLE. She spent the better part of an hour on the phone with him without losing her cool - I think she deserves a medal. OH, and the only personal info he would give her? His phone number and his name - Angry Customer.


Just Another Manic Monday

Me: Consumer Relations, this is *Dunyasha.

Caller: Hi, I need to speak with someone about customer relations.

Me: That would be me, what's the problem?

Caller: Are you who I would speak with about a customer issue?

Me: Yes, I'm the person who you would speak to about that.

Caller: And what department is this?


Caller: Oh good, my son in law works for one of your stores and he's being treated poorly by the manager.

Me: Ma'am since this is a employee issue I'll need to transfer you.

Caller: No, no, no. He quit last week, this is a customer issue.

Me: No, ma'am, because your son in law was an employee, that would be an employee issue, hold on just a moment.

Caller: but...


An Open Letter to Anonymous Customer

To the anonymous gentleman who called this afternoon regarding one of our new products,
I listened to you and offered you information, I was kind, empathetic and sincere towards you and apologized that you were disappointed in what you received. I told you this is a new item and that the people who are responsible for that item will be highly interested in your feedback (which is true). You did not want to give me you name or your address and yet you still had the audacity to say loudly and clearly "Well that did no good, she didn't even care." BEFORE you hung up your phone. If you're going to insult me, please do so after you disconnect your phone, or during the conversation so that I may have a chance to respond.

And for the record, I had already emailed the person who handles that item by the time you made that comment. Asshole.



It's the Store 2 Miles South of the Old Barn that Burned Down 6 years ago

Frequently we receive calls from people who had serious issues with stores or left something in one of our stores, but cannot tell us which store it is. These calls go something like this call I took today.

Me: And what city and state is the store in, sir?

Caller: It's in California on Road 8.

Me: Sir, I will need to know what city in California the store is in or the zip code.

Caller: It's not in a city. It's on Road 8!

Me: (rolling eyes) Sir, I would very much like to help you, but in order to do so, I need to know who I will need to contact and the only way for me to find that out is to know which store you visited.

Caller: Okay, it was on Road 8 off I-5.

Me: You did already tell me that, sir, can you tell me what city the store is in?

Caller: It's not in a city!! It's an off ramp!

Me: Sir, like I said I would really like to help you, but I'm not sure how right now.

FInally after going through this a few more times the caller gave me a couple cities the store was in between and allowed me to put him on hold so I could search my atlas. Amazingly, I was actually able to find the city this time.


I mmfgh golfhde pfffbh!

I've never understood the things people feel are appropriate to do while on the phone.

The other day my coworker had a call from a woman who was eating while on the phone. This, while highly rude, is fairly common. However, this woman was eating so audibly that my coworker had trouble understanding the caller. My coworker being too polite to tell the woman to remove her hamburger from her esophagus, ignored it until she could not longer understand anything the caller was saying, when she finally asked, "I'm sorry, could you repeat what you just told me? I'm having trouble understanding you." The caller in her infinite wisdom said, "Well then can I speak with your supervisor, maybe she can hear me because I can understand YOU just fine."

Ten minutes after the woman hung up the same coworker turned to tell me that she had to put her call on hold to keep from laughing because this caller was actually urinating while on the phone with her.


I've Been Naughty...

I've been a bad little rep...

Okay, well not really, but I've neglected my blog for almost no good reason.
Last week for seemingly no reason at all, my dear little laptop, which was gifted to me once my sister decided it was too old and unstable for her to depend upon anymore and bought a new one. I, being a poor newlywed have no such luxury, almost everything I own was acquired as a hand-me-down, purchased for $2.75 at a garage sale or was a wedding gift (it's interesting to own the grubbiest couch ever and at the same time the best coffeepot imaginable - really.)
Anyway, I came home from work, and sat down at my hand-me-down coffee table, thrilled to have plenty of fodder for my pathetic little blog, turned on my little-laptop-that-could...turned on my little-laptop-that-could... turned on my little-laptop-that-could, screamed, threw my little-laptop-that-couldn't at the wall...

Okay, so I didn't really throw the laptop, I made some scary growling noises and yelled some and my husband pushed me out the way so he could fruitlessly attempt to turn on my laptop before I could kill him or complete my transition. Then, we tucked it away in the corner of the study and sadly covered it with a blanket so I wouldn't have to look at it. My sister's response? "Oh, yeah sometimes it refuses to turn off too, why do you think I bought a new one??"

Obviously, it has decided to grace me with its feeble presence for a little while longer.
(strokes the laptop lovingly.)

Your Daily Allowance of Trans Fat

Me: Consumer Relations, this is [my real name], how may I help you?
Caller: Hi! I work for one of the top Wall Street firms and I think one of my coworkers may have just broken some sort of world record.
Me: Okay?
Caller: My friend, my coworker, just ate, in front of about 40 witnesses three of your largest hamdburgers, a large chocolate shake and your largest side.
Me: ...(unsure exactly what to say).
Caller: Could you send him some sort of congratulatory letter?
Me: (wondering how 40 people could actually be paid top dollar to watch someone kill themselves via trans fat.)
Caller: Just something we could frame and hang in the office? Something maybe saying congratulations on your accomplishment, thank you for your patronage?
Me: I'm not really sure that's something we can do, but I can certainly look into that if you'll provide your name and address.
Caller: Well, it was my coworker, but I'll give you both our names ...(supplies info)... by the way this guy is a Columbia educated man and he was not under the influence of anything, and he's still alive!! I mean that's at least 4,000 calories!
Me: Well, like I said, thank you for calling and I will definently look into that for you.
Caller: Just something we could hang on the wall.
Me: I will certainly look into it for you.
Caller: I mean it would just be great advertisement for you guys. So we could continue to eat at your stores.
Me: Well, sir, I will absolutely look into that for you. Thank you so much for calling.


How to Avoid Being that Call

Recently while reading "My Worst Call of the Day" I read a post which listed the blogger's pet peeves in dealing with customers, reminding me of a coworker who often comments that she'd love to write a book about how to complain. Because of this I have decided to post my "rules" on calling or writing to customer service departments. Its not hard to get a customer service rep to sympathize with you, as long as you respect us.

The Rules

  • When writing include your name & address. You'd be amazed how many people don't. One person actually requested a postage paid envelope to mail something back to me so I could replace it for him, when I received it, I had no idea who sent it.
  • Don't put us on hold.
  • Don't vent, yell, swear at or threaten us. We are here to help you, don't alienate us.
  • Don't call us uneducated or spell out words for us any circus monkey could spell, such as EAST. I'm not kidding. Someone spelled EAST for me today. We have college degrees.
  • Don't tell us you spend thousands of dollars in our store every year. Often times we can, and do check up on this claim, and most of the time you're lying.
  • Answer the questions we ask you, if we ask you what day you were in the store, don't say you think it was about 5pm, or just launch into your tale - we need this information so we can help you.
  • Don't discriminate. Seriously. Again, it alienates us. We stop listening to you.
  • Don't immediately ask for a manager, you're assuming we can't help you when you don't know if that is the case. Again, you're alienating us.
  • Don't demand coupons or discounts, if you must ask, ask politely. When you ask, most of the time we were planning on sending you something anyway and by asking you just cut what you will receive by half.
  • Don't write unnecessarily long or sarcastic letters. We skim them for the details we need, we receive so many of these that a well written letter actually impresses us.
  • Don't insult the company by commenting about our competitors, founder, stores, coworkers, etc. Again, you are alienating us, we stop listening.
  • Don't make comments about how little money you believe we earn doing our job. You don't know and it makes you sound like an ass.
  • Don't utter this phrase (or anything similar) "Well. How would YOU feel???" We don't comment on customer situations and you have just put us in an uncomfortable place.